Hey,

Okay so this is one of those "venting" entries. I don't know whay, but seeing Kitty this weekend wasn't the same. Everything that went on had some fucking strings attached to it. I felt like this weekend we couldn't have fun. When I saw her on saturday I taught her a self defense lesson. The first of many.

One of the movements I taught her was how to get out of a corner. I taught her this becuase of an "incedent" that happened to her a few years ago. I won't go into much detail about it due to the fact that it isn't my story to tell. But she was backed into a corner by a guy and was forced to kiss him! Now don't get me wrong I love my girlfriend dearly, but I can't help thinking that she didn't want to be kissed just a little bit. She is the kind of person that if she doesn't want someone to do something to her she won't even give them that option. The more I meditate on it the more I can practically see her kissing him back. Ahhhhh it's driving me crazy. I just love her so much. I am sorry if I have upset you by writing this Kitty. But I just have to let out these feelings.

Then after the self defense lesson I we went up into her Uncle's room where we watched a movie with her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend. I felt like that feeling of free-falling was begining to come back. Like we were just gonna have fun from there on out. Boy was I wrong!

After we finished watching the movie we all started talking to Kitty's mom about stuff. One of those "stuffs" that we ended up talking about was how our favorite radio station got kicked off the air! That just got Kitty really depressed and seeing her so sad made me feel like shit. I try so hard sometimes to make her happy and it's times like those that I feel like it's all for nothing. I began to feel like a failure as a boyfriend. I know it's not my fault and I know it was out of my control, but I still felt helpless. So that obviously  made me feel even worse.

Then we all went into the house. Well I started talking to Kitty's relatives and not paying attention to her. So she felt left out obviously. Then she began to do her own thing so when I was trying to pay attention to her it's like she didn't want it anymore. I felt even worse than before, and even more like a failure! Well after that we made up, but I still didn't feel much better. I decided to take her, her little brother, and her mother to go see a movie. Well int the time between that decision and when we all left for the movie shit really began to hit the fan. Kitty and her mother got in a fight about one thing or another. I felt so goddamn helpless. We went to the movie and had a kick-ass time! So by the end of the night I was feeling a little better.

Well the next day I had to work and teach a class. That didn't go so smoothly. My kids were really acting up and the parents were being just plain ignorant towards this. Well then I had to wait for an hour and a half for Kitty's mother to come pick me up. This was due to some break down of communication between Kitty her mother and me. It's just that I felt likw I wanted to see Kitty not her mom and little bro. Don't get me wrong I love them too, just not as much as Kitty. I needed some fucking alone time with Kitty and I knew I wasn't going to get it.

We all finally got to Kitty's house where there was nothing to do! I mean nothing. She didn't want to watch TV and there was nothing else to do. I couldn't even kiss her or cuddle with her. That was I really wanted to do anyway, but due to her mother looming over us and her little bro bugging us evr second we didn't even have fucking five minutes alone! So We all went out and I bought a movie, you know just for something to do. We came back to her house and watched it and then I had to leave. I asked Kitty to call me later, but her mother didn't let her.